Lost but not defeated.

The taste of loss is not as bitter as I was anticipating. The fear of dreadful was killing me but dreadful failed to kill me. It is over and I have lost the battle. I fought till end and never quit. I am bruised and lost in oblivion. Licking wounds, empty handed and alone I reflect and say to myself never mind you followed your dream. I have nothing except my intact self esteem to challenge again the forces who think I am a history. The loss I endure is far more dear to me than the gains that tempt me to forsake my ideals. I am biding my time to reenter the arena.

Of Love and Insanity.

I read a real life story titled "Of Love and Insanity" in the Bangladeshi newspaper The Daily Star. The story is of a young lower middle class guy who fell in love with a girl six years senior to him and belonging to an elite class. The common story is narrated poignantly. I especially like the comment of the writer about love. Here it is

"Stories in real life end in such prosaic ways that one wonders what is the meaning or purpose of all the heart-rending, foolish happiness and sufferings that precedes them. Why do we get entangled in the cobwebs of lunacy called love, when the endings are almost always so mundane?".

Yet we do fall in love, there is no escaping from it. I believe tribulations and elations experienced in love make one wiser not to fall in love again. Love brings pain and severely hampers the cerebral function and eventually brings a period of depression from which the sufferer recovers with phenomenal efforts and at great cost of time. Despite all the sufferings a lover must endure there is no point regretting the experience of love because not to fall in love is to live life too safely and insipidly. I do agree with the conclusion that the endings of love are mundane but without love the beginning and middle are mundane too. With love some part of life becomes exciting and even the mundane ending of love gives life something to reminisce. This isn't a bad deal, is it?

Doris Lessing wins Nobel Prize in Literature.

Since last few years I am following the literary world with interest. I read literary blogs and book review sections of Guardian, New York Times and Dawn. The literary blogs I read with most interest are Chandrahas' The Middle Stage and Laila Lalami's blog. I was keenly waiting for this year winner of Nobel Prize in literature. The announcement has been made finally and its Dorris Lessing of England who has won the prize. Frankly I have never heard of her name before the announcement of her winning the prize so an internet search on her was inevitable. What I found was an 87 years old self taught writer who was born in Persia (Iran) in 1919 and spend most of her early phase of life in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe). Her childhood was of much pain and less pleasure and once she commented unhappy childhoods seem to produce fiction writers. Once she asked that what use are men and then answered herself, men had been introduced to "pep up" a slothful, lazy world of women. An interesting answer indeed. Though I believe that all women may not agree to the answer of Lessing. Will I be looking for her books to read? I am not sure. I will read more about her books and then decide if Ireally like to read her books. The most likely book that I will read is "The golden Notebook" as it is considered her best. She is the oldest Nobel Prize winner in Literature.

To a silver star.

The flight was sudden and I found myself traveling millions of light years of distance in a flash. It was a silver star where I landed. I may have seen that star from my home in earth but in my wildest imagination I could not think of reaching that star. I am stunned by my presence on the lonely star far in the galaxy where I see nothing but silver dust and an entirely different composition of sky over me. I have been pulled out of my earthly home and thrown into a new world. The feeling of detachment from everything earthly gives me a feeling of uninvited calm and I feel so lonely that I long for the chaos and mess of the earthly life. Yet the calm all around me is settling on my heart and I feel my nerves relaxed and my senses sharpen.
What was the anxiety that disturbed me while I was on earth? The source of all of my anxiety was in my thoughts, the anxiety was of my own making. What I was fighting for and striving for? Why was I always tense and never allowed myself to detach from the web of mundane activities to create a heavenly calm. Here the silence is profound and I can listen the voice of my thoughts. The voice of my thoughts is good to listen and I regret why I never let silence to prevail there to listen to my thoughts.

I look over the sky and find millions of stars and wonder which one is my earth's star sun. Is it the one blinking on the far southern horizon or the one on the northern sky. I want to talk to the sun and tell it that I am missing its warmth and shine. As I see the sun lost among millions of stars I feel myself so insignificant because having a big powerful sun is what made us human beings think grand. It was so personal to have it as our daily companion that now as it is nothing but one of the millions of stars over there I understand we human being have been living in a state of self delusion. I think about the wars, killings, fights on earth, that earth whose existence is impossible to detect from here and with such spectaculars celestial bodies all around me it would be sheer stupidity to even think about such a wretched entity.

Then a question pops into my mind What has made the earth, sun and universe exist, what has made this silver star alive, relevant? The answer is" my thinking".It is in my mind where universe exists. With this realization I long for my earthly abode to see the rising sun and listen to my thoughts and to live without missing the calm that prevails there too. I can do that now I know.

Smile on your face.

The heart floats on a bouncy sea
Or the sea of my heart is bouncy
I don't know where does the turmoil come from
What I do know is the calm that prevails
whenever I see the smile on your face

Anita Roddick.

When I started my studies in Business Administration I came across Liberation Managment a book by Tom Peters. In one of the chapters he told the story of Anita Roddick, the founder of Body Shop. Simple, straightforward and passionate, Anita Roddick created a special place in my heart as the leader of business world. When I started teaching business subjects I often quoted Anita Roddick's passion for her work. Today I read the news of her death and felt deeply saddened. A great soul has left the world.

An oozing from heart.

Sweetness oozes from heart and satiates my soul. Time stops and the moment envelops me and I become one with nature. My awe of the universe disppears as I stop seeing myself and acknowledge only the universe. The moon, stars, vast sky, cool breeze and I are nothing but manifestation of only one phenomenon. Love prevails and I float in the river of love all around me.

Resolve.

When I am hurt by your words and I tell you that I am hurt, it hurts you and when you are hurt it further hurts me so I have decided not to tell you that I am hurt as I know you never intend to hurt me. In this way I will save myself from further getting hurt.

First time tagged.

This is the first time I am tagged and by no other than one of my favorite blogger Ali.

The rules:

1. We have to post these rules before we give you the facts. 2. Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves. 3. People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules. 4. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and that they should read your blog.

Here are my eight things.

1. I have a peculiar fascination about places and countries in the South. My list of dream destinations consists of places like 1. Punta Arenas ( A town in Southern Chile in South America), Trivandaram ( A town on the tip of South India) 3. Cape Town ( South Africa). I live in Sindh (Southern Province of Pakistan) and I travelled to Keti Bandar recently to fulfill my desire of seeing the ultimate South of Pakistan.

2. I am very clumsy in doing anything with wires, screws, nut and bolts. Sometimes it takes me hours to join two simple wires in an electrical switch or mend a broken telephone wire.

3. I am obsessed with de cluttering. Every week I am seen emptying my drawers and throwing out junk. (I wonder how does the junk accumulate so frequently.) It is a continuous struggle to get my drawers, shelves and closets organized and simplified. My family members say that my favorite hobby is to clean my drawers.

4. I don't feel comfortable in having a number equalling 8. I don't intentionally avoid 8 but I don't feel comfortable when dealing with any number equaling 8 like travelling on 8, 17 or 26 of a month or having my bank account number or credit card number equalling 8. I consider 1 being my lucky number.

5. Travelling gives me immense pleasure. The journey is my destination. The sight of plains, rugged mountains, green pastures, rivers and sands gives me immense pleasure.

6. I cannot sleep without having my eyes covered with a piece of cloth. If nothing is available I place my hand over my eyes and sleep.

7. Reading maps is one of my favorite pastimes. I can spend hours and hours to study the maps of countries and continents.

8. I am very emotionally attached to my students and try to know each of them as an individual. I often remember the birthdays of my students even if I had taught them years ago.

I tag Psyched.

Tryst with nature.

It's been a hat trick to watch sunrise from the roof of my home. Clouds, sun and birds with moon hovering in the opposite horizon make the morning rise a tryst with nature. I feel bringing the nature at my door step and without getting out of my home I enjoy the colorful show as a solo audience. What I like best is the turning of the color of sky from blue to orange in the east. Today it was hide and seek between sun and clouds and I was mesmerized by the glow of sun behind the clouds. I forgot where I was and found myself as part of a great celestial drama. Everyday nature offers spectacular scenes to watch, feel and be part of them but we miss them or fail to acknowledge their uniqueness. As it is said by a classical Urdu poet Mir Dard "Sarsary hum is jahan say guzray, Warna har ja jahan e digar tha". ( We passed this world cursorily, otherwise every place was a world in itself.)

38...so what!!!

Next month I will be 38 years old. When I look back at my last 10 years of life I find myself going through a lot of change. During these 10 years I have suffered set backs, endured difficult times, tasted defeats and passed through the phase of total abandonment by my so called close friends. The last decade has also given me some of the greatest happinesses of my life. I have become far more open, spontaneous, easygoing and carefree than what I was in 1997. I used to take everything very seriously and allow myself no margin of error. Hence I was very upright, fastidious and no-nonsense in dealing with people especially with students. I was respected but at the same time I was a lonely person. I used to wonder why any girl was not in my life. I was well educated, well placed, good looking yet I was a failure in the matter of love. I could talk for hours on current political issues, history, management, economics but couldn't engage a girl in a light conversation. One of my female colleague told me to read literature to understand the complexities of human relationships and particularly to understand female psychology because she felt I was too prudish. Literature didn't help me much to understand the female psychology what helped me most were women themselves. When I started listening to my female colleagues, to my cousins, to my girl students, I found that what women want is understanding of their emotions. All my credentials worth nothing when it comes to winning the heart of a woman because I knew only how to involve the brain and didn't know how to engage the heart. It was big eye opener for me. The transformation of my personality started and I became slowly more open and relaxed. Life became easy for me and I started enjoying my work more. The change in my personality didn't come quickly and easily and it took many years before I was able to get out of the confinement of a nice, perfect and infallible image that I had locked myself into. Then love of my life came. My poem roller coaster describes my sentiments.

Roller Coaster

"I am flawed, erratic and moody
yet you hold my hand all along
not knowing where I would lead you
sometimes we soar as if never to fall
when I become quiet, you wait for my call
my life is like a roller coaster
Love entered in my life when I stopped being perfect
and it was then you told me " I love to ride on a roller coaster.

I am not what I was in 1997 and I will be not what I am today in 2017. I have seen many of my dreams gone shattered and many new dreams come alive. I have met scores of beautiful, intelligent and remarkable women, read rich literature from Kundera to Murakami, travelled to remote and rugged places in Sindh, captured marvellous natural scenes in my camera, listened to intellectual giants and savored quality food during the last decade especially during last 5 years.

I feel young, 38 doesn't describe me. "Cheeni Kum."

A bud.

The touch of bud enlivens my heart. Spirited, gushing, untrammelled flow of admiration from every action has inundated my heart. "It's you, I swear", these words have made my day.

Khamushi.

Ae khamushi utar ja meray dil mein
sunna chahta hun dil kehta hai kiya
bohat hangamay hain dunya main aur main hun dhoondta
ik gosha jahan main or ho mera dil
phir karun ghanton batain apnay dil say
Ae khamushi utar ja meray dil mein

My Heaven.

Books, Paintings, Music and You.

Its time for decision making.

Now a days I have not too much to do. My classes in one of the institutes are over and at my home centre too students have completed their courses almost. So I have lots of time in hand particularly on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I have got rid of lots of clutter. I am also reading my unfinished books. At the same time I have purchased few new books in Sindhi despite self imposed ban on purchasing books. I couldn't resist the temptation of purchasing so cheap books on such interesting topics. I couldn't believe that for just Rs. 100 I got 4 books from Sindhi Language Authority book stall. The books are priceless, I have already got worth of my Rs. 100 when I read in one of the books about saints in Jainism, Hinduism and Buddhism.
In the evening I went to see our neighbour who came back from a visit to India. He is above 60 years of age and a fervent traveller. He went to see his relatives in Rajasthan. He went to Jaipur, Sikar and Bikaner and then further south to Hyderabad. He was all praise for the progress in India. He said that now there was no comparison between India and Pakistan. India is far ahead. The salaries are high there but the prices of goods are cheap. Muslims, Hindus and Sikhs live peacefully. While he was narrating his account of Indian trip I felt disappointment on what we have done with Pakistan. He urged me to visist India and see Delhi, Jaipur and Agra in the first trip and if there is a chance then I must go and see my ancestrol town of Mahedragarh as well.
Karachi is calling me again. I have prayed that I take the better decision. I want to read, travel, write and teach and that's all I am doing. But only teaching is giving me money. May be in Karachi I will be able to earn from my other passions as well. I don't want to leave the things that I love most. The time for decision making has arrived and I cannot escape it. I have to make the decision pretty soon.

In the memory of Dr. Ishqi

The city of Hyderabad once famous for literary and intellectual gatherings is now deprived of such events. When one of the learned Professor of English told me about the organization of a gathering in the memory of Dr. Ilyas Ishqi I decided to attend it. Last night I went to the function and found very few people attending it. There were hardly 50 participants in a city of more than 2 million. Dr. Ilyas Ishqi was no ordinary person. He was an intellectual giant. Born in Jaipur in 1922 he migrated to Pakistan in 1948. His professional association was with Radio Pakistan but his areas of expertise were literature, language and music. He was an expert on Urdu literature. The aspect that inspired me most was his command over many languages of Pakistan. He was fluent in Sindhi, Punjabi and Seraiki. He was one of the top most literary figure who was seen as the expert in Sindhi language especially on Shah Latif though his mother tongue was Urdu. Persian and Hindi were other languages in which he expressed himself in the form of poetry. He devoted his life to spread love among the dwellers of Pakistan especially Sindh. His first and last love was books. He passed away on 12 January 2007. I am lucky to know him as a close friend of my father. Dr. Ishqi came to our home many times to spend time with my father. Hyderabad has lost one of its greatest patron of knowledge. One of his verse is below with my attempt to translate it.

" Harf ki qeemat bay payan hai, harf kay hain imkaan bohat
harf ko zinda karna seekho phir chahay taqdeer likho"

" The price of word is infinite, the possibilities of words are countless"
learn how to make word alive, then write your own fate".

Love You Indus.

I was feeling jaded so I went to see you. O Indus, you are always there for me to rejuvinate my soul. Love you.

It is not over.

You are settled. I am settled. Let the game begin.

Keti Bandar.

On 3rd May 2007 the allure of the distant sea took me to the end of Pakistan in the south to the small port town of Keti Bandar. When I reached there I was convinced once again that fear of unknown lies in our mind not outside of it. I reached Gharo at 9 am where my Memon driver was waiting for me. Without wasting time we moved towards south on our way to Keti Bandar. Passing through the heart of Indus Delta we reached Keti Bandar around 12 noon. The first sight of the sea gave me the pleasure of finding a long lost friend. We entered the town and met Mr. Bukhari, a member of Fisher folk forum, who gave us remarkable hospitality beyond our expectation. The sea water all around us was actually the intrusion by the sea in the lands of Sindh. The intrusion is caused by the lack of flow of Indus river into the sea therefore sea water is gnawing the land each year. Where we saw the salty water of sea there once stood the crops of rice. I asked Mr. Bukhari to show us the roaring sea. He told us for that we had to travel on boats to enter the Arabian Sea. We embarked on a small boat called " Horo" in Sindhi. All the way we saw small islands on which the Debali community of fishermen lives. After travelling for half an hour we saw the high tides of Arabian Sea. We were about to enter into the open sea when I asked the boatman to return to Keti Bandar. After spending sometime there I left for Hyderabad and reached my home at 8 pm.

For more pictures visit my Fotoblog.

Banbhore.

The Mosque of Banbhore, Sindh.

Yesterday I went to Banbhore. When I sat foot out of my home I didn't know that I would reach Banbhore because I intended to go further south to the Arabian Sea coast of Keti Bandar. After contacting some people of the area I came to know that the route to Keti Bandar goes from Gharo, a small town on the road between Thatta and Karachi. By the time I reached Gharo it was already 2pm and when I asked the driver of the taxi how much time it would take to reach Keti Banadr he told me that it would take around 3 hours. So I decided it was too late to go to the place and asked the driver to show me the nearby places. The driver belonged to the Memon community of the town and I was surprised to know that he knew so much about the life in Indus delta and sea. Memons are usually businesspersons. He told me that he was married in the Mir Bahar community who are actually fisherman. Mir Bahar, the king of Sea, has given the name Admiral , the commander of the fleet of navy. We first went to Gharo creek where the fishermen were catching fish and then we went to Banbhore. Banbhore is a ruined city now but it is said that when first Arab conquerer of Sindh Muhammad Ibne Qasim came here it was the bustling port city and called Debal. I took some pictures of the ruined city with the Gharo creek in background. The famous poet of Sindh Shah Abdul Latif Bhittai has immortalized the love story of Sassui and Punnuh through his poetry. Sassui belonged to Banbhore. The first mosque in the Sub continent is said to be built in Banbhore around 712 AD at the time of Arab conquest of Sindh. I came back home with better and clearer understanding about visiting Keti Bandar that I will visit soon.