38...so what!!!

Next month I will be 38 years old. When I look back at my last 10 years of life I find myself going through a lot of change. During these 10 years I have suffered set backs, endured difficult times, tasted defeats and passed through the phase of total abandonment by my so called close friends. The last decade has also given me some of the greatest happinesses of my life. I have become far more open, spontaneous, easygoing and carefree than what I was in 1997. I used to take everything very seriously and allow myself no margin of error. Hence I was very upright, fastidious and no-nonsense in dealing with people especially with students. I was respected but at the same time I was a lonely person. I used to wonder why any girl was not in my life. I was well educated, well placed, good looking yet I was a failure in the matter of love. I could talk for hours on current political issues, history, management, economics but couldn't engage a girl in a light conversation. One of my female colleague told me to read literature to understand the complexities of human relationships and particularly to understand female psychology because she felt I was too prudish. Literature didn't help me much to understand the female psychology what helped me most were women themselves. When I started listening to my female colleagues, to my cousins, to my girl students, I found that what women want is understanding of their emotions. All my credentials worth nothing when it comes to winning the heart of a woman because I knew only how to involve the brain and didn't know how to engage the heart. It was big eye opener for me. The transformation of my personality started and I became slowly more open and relaxed. Life became easy for me and I started enjoying my work more. The change in my personality didn't come quickly and easily and it took many years before I was able to get out of the confinement of a nice, perfect and infallible image that I had locked myself into. Then love of my life came. My poem roller coaster describes my sentiments.

Roller Coaster

"I am flawed, erratic and moody
yet you hold my hand all along
not knowing where I would lead you
sometimes we soar as if never to fall
when I become quiet, you wait for my call
my life is like a roller coaster
Love entered in my life when I stopped being perfect
and it was then you told me " I love to ride on a roller coaster.

I am not what I was in 1997 and I will be not what I am today in 2017. I have seen many of my dreams gone shattered and many new dreams come alive. I have met scores of beautiful, intelligent and remarkable women, read rich literature from Kundera to Murakami, travelled to remote and rugged places in Sindh, captured marvellous natural scenes in my camera, listened to intellectual giants and savored quality food during the last decade especially during last 5 years.

I feel young, 38 doesn't describe me. "Cheeni Kum."

A bud.

The touch of bud enlivens my heart. Spirited, gushing, untrammelled flow of admiration from every action has inundated my heart. "It's you, I swear", these words have made my day.

Khamushi.

Ae khamushi utar ja meray dil mein
sunna chahta hun dil kehta hai kiya
bohat hangamay hain dunya main aur main hun dhoondta
ik gosha jahan main or ho mera dil
phir karun ghanton batain apnay dil say
Ae khamushi utar ja meray dil mein

My Heaven.

Books, Paintings, Music and You.

Its time for decision making.

Now a days I have not too much to do. My classes in one of the institutes are over and at my home centre too students have completed their courses almost. So I have lots of time in hand particularly on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I have got rid of lots of clutter. I am also reading my unfinished books. At the same time I have purchased few new books in Sindhi despite self imposed ban on purchasing books. I couldn't resist the temptation of purchasing so cheap books on such interesting topics. I couldn't believe that for just Rs. 100 I got 4 books from Sindhi Language Authority book stall. The books are priceless, I have already got worth of my Rs. 100 when I read in one of the books about saints in Jainism, Hinduism and Buddhism.
In the evening I went to see our neighbour who came back from a visit to India. He is above 60 years of age and a fervent traveller. He went to see his relatives in Rajasthan. He went to Jaipur, Sikar and Bikaner and then further south to Hyderabad. He was all praise for the progress in India. He said that now there was no comparison between India and Pakistan. India is far ahead. The salaries are high there but the prices of goods are cheap. Muslims, Hindus and Sikhs live peacefully. While he was narrating his account of Indian trip I felt disappointment on what we have done with Pakistan. He urged me to visist India and see Delhi, Jaipur and Agra in the first trip and if there is a chance then I must go and see my ancestrol town of Mahedragarh as well.
Karachi is calling me again. I have prayed that I take the better decision. I want to read, travel, write and teach and that's all I am doing. But only teaching is giving me money. May be in Karachi I will be able to earn from my other passions as well. I don't want to leave the things that I love most. The time for decision making has arrived and I cannot escape it. I have to make the decision pretty soon.

In the memory of Dr. Ishqi

The city of Hyderabad once famous for literary and intellectual gatherings is now deprived of such events. When one of the learned Professor of English told me about the organization of a gathering in the memory of Dr. Ilyas Ishqi I decided to attend it. Last night I went to the function and found very few people attending it. There were hardly 50 participants in a city of more than 2 million. Dr. Ilyas Ishqi was no ordinary person. He was an intellectual giant. Born in Jaipur in 1922 he migrated to Pakistan in 1948. His professional association was with Radio Pakistan but his areas of expertise were literature, language and music. He was an expert on Urdu literature. The aspect that inspired me most was his command over many languages of Pakistan. He was fluent in Sindhi, Punjabi and Seraiki. He was one of the top most literary figure who was seen as the expert in Sindhi language especially on Shah Latif though his mother tongue was Urdu. Persian and Hindi were other languages in which he expressed himself in the form of poetry. He devoted his life to spread love among the dwellers of Pakistan especially Sindh. His first and last love was books. He passed away on 12 January 2007. I am lucky to know him as a close friend of my father. Dr. Ishqi came to our home many times to spend time with my father. Hyderabad has lost one of its greatest patron of knowledge. One of his verse is below with my attempt to translate it.

" Harf ki qeemat bay payan hai, harf kay hain imkaan bohat
harf ko zinda karna seekho phir chahay taqdeer likho"

" The price of word is infinite, the possibilities of words are countless"
learn how to make word alive, then write your own fate".